So if you're coming to Kirkpatrick's Corner this week in hopes of seeing really cute pictures of an adorable little boy and his faithful dog, Chester, you're just going to have to check back in two weeks. This week, I feel like I have to share something a bit more real. So here goes...
Let me start by saying, please don't comment on this blog, or "like" it on Facebook, or send me a text or card. I am not sharing this with anyone for any other reason than it's time to let go. Today, I'm letting go of my secret. It's not a secret to many of you, but it's definitely something I have intentionally edited from my public, professional and blog-posting life. For the last six months I have been coping with and grieving the greatest loss of my life. It's not the tragic death of a loved one, technically. Rather it's the tragic death of the loss of my marriage. I'm going to omit details and finger-pointing, because it has nothing to do with writing this post. All I'll say is trying to overcome the loss of the only love I've ever known has been devastating. But, with the grace of God, the love of friends and family and the will to heal---I have been working through it.
Since I cannot change the past, and I have learned that I cannot control the future, I have realized that the best way for me to deal with my new life is to try and learn from it as much as I can. Here's only a brief description of what I've garnered so far:
1. I am not in control and, even though I tried very hard, I have never been in control of my future. For more years than I care to acknowledge, I truly believed that if I made the right decisions--everything would always be fine. In a nutshell, I've learned that I make a horrible god.
2. Before all of this, I've never had to rely on my faith so much. Until last summer, I can honestly say that I've never had to call out to God in desperation. What a blessed life. I had lived thirty-two years and never hurt enough to beg for His help. I have learned that He keeps his promises.
3. I have learned that happiness isn't a guarantee, but neither is sadness. Life if full of the ugly beautiful. The miracle of babies, the unexplained loss of loved ones, natural disasters, the undeniable beauty of sunsets on snow-covered mountains, the kindness of a stranger. What I know, is that those moments that make me smile or take my breath away are not to be taken for granted. I took many things for granted. But in the backdrop of my recent life experience, I know that those moments of joy, of laughing till your crying, or the warm hug of the people that matter the most in the world are the most precious gifts. And in this life here, in the ugly-beautiful, I should relish it a little more.
4. John Thomas will never know that he saved my life. When I didn't know how to get out of bed, or couldn't fathom eating, I did it for him. He is my joy. He makes me smile, he is the sole provider of most all my hugs and kisses these days, and I am a very blessed mother. I am thankful for the past thirteen years of my life with Jason and the product of our love was our son. I wouldn't change THAT for anything.
In closing, I feel like I need to acknowledge that I have made lots of mistakes in the past and I'm, in no way, blaming anyone for what has happened. Blaming doesn't lead to healing, forgiveness does. To those of you who have supported either one of us, thank you. I can't imagine being a celebrity and having to go through this very painful process in the public eye. And I know I'm blogging about this, so to ask for discretion seems absurd. But what we need, what anyone needs who is going through a tough time, is love, support and prayers.
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